I don’t have a carbon footprint.
I just drive everywhere.
What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?
“T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”
What does my dad have in common with Nemo?
They both can’t be found.
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour?
Its butt.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted.
You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
Why did the mailman die?
Because everybody dies.
What’s the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.
“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Just say NO to drugs!
Well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.
What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never look at me twice.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.
I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral?
Nothing.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
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